As of today, I've been in Northern Ireland for 49 days.
On the one hand, it's everything I've hoped it would be! The landscape is just like you see in movies (it's so green!). I've been to the north coast twice now and it's breathtaking (the cliffs are amazing to look at and I could just gaze into the sea for ages)! Belfast is beautiful as well, the buildings in Belfast have such beautiful architecture and are older looking than what I'm used to. I've been to castles, listened to live music in a pub, eaten scones, tried Irish dancing, gotten properly wet from a British downpour, picked up Northern Irish slang, have had some good "discussions" about America vs. England (haha), rode on a double decker bus, and have drunk my fair share of tea. What an adventure it has been thus far!
On the other hand, however, I've had many reality checks since I've been here.
I've pulled two all-nighters to get essays done; I went days without picking up my Bible except for using it as a textbook; I felt homesick, lonely, and felt like a misfit a couple of times. Time and time again I've been reminded (mostly by myself) of my weaknesses and inadequacies.
No doubt in the future I will have so much more to say about the amazing, adventure-y things going on during my time here. But I feel like the gritty, raw, real life stuff is more important to talk about right now.
My expectations for my time here at Belfast Bible College in Northern Ireland were pretty huge. For some reason I thought that by coming here I would become this super Christian and change the world. And while I still have about 7 months left of my time here, I doubt I'm going to advance to the status of "super Christian" and complete the task of changing the world.
If anything, I feel like I've regressed a few notches on the Christian scale.I know that it's not about what I do that determines my status before God (Jesus nailed my sin to the cross and I am now and forever blameless and holy in God's sight because of Christ's righteousness. Amen!), but when I've hardly read my Bible or barely prayed for months it certainly makes me feel pretty rotten.
Before coming here, the Word of God was so precious to me and now I barely touch it.
Before coming here, my heart ached with a longing to be in God's presence and now I feel numb.
I'm in Bible college for goodness' sake!
It's a shameful and heart-wrenching place to be at. My weaknesses and inadequacies are right in my face and it's almost suffocating.
And yet...
The power of God and the power of the cross are at maximum strength.
I can come up right to the throne of God, point at my weaknesses and say, "look at this! And this! And this! Filthy rags compared to Your holy righteousness." And God can just say, "Forgiven, forgiven, forgiven. And you have the holy righteousness of Christ clothing you."
What amazing grace God gives us!..But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 5:20-21)
It's amazing how through my brokenness and failings I can be drawn to worship!
I didn't expect this at all when I came here to Northern Ireland. And while it seems crazy to say, I feel so blessed to be where I am at. I long for a closeness to God that is beyond what I've ever had and I long for God to make me feel like His Word in my life is vital and essential (because it is!).
Even as I write this God is working in my heart and the last few days I've been drawn to God's Word again with a thirst for it's presence in my life again.
But I am still so weak and I have so many things to work through.
